About Fate, Future, and My Stupid Idealism

Just a quick note before anything: I’m writing this piece at around 2am, after finishing a few rounds of drafts for my t*****.

I’m honest-to-good sleepy (so please do pardon my grammatical & spelling errors, alongside the general lack of nuance that this post would contain).

I need to sleep, I’ve been trying to sleep, but I can’t.

So I decided to continue writing instead, but rather than opening Microsoft Word and reading a bunch of journals, articles, and researches, I instead headed for Medium.

Why? No idea. I guess part of me just realised that I haven’t posted anything here in months, and the more artistic part of me had been wanting to jot down random thoughts that I’ve been having for the past few weeks (or even months).

So I decided: Why Not? This is probably going to be my first freewrite, just a bunch of my unbundled thoughts written down for the world to see.

Let’s talk about Fate.

Do you believe in Fate?

Do you believe things are meant to be? That everything is predetermined?

I do. Partly because that’s what I have been taught ever since I was young.

But mostly, because I feel like everything that had happened in my life is too beautiful of a coincidence for things to not be prepared in the most meticulous of ways.

I think that everyone that I’ve met, ever since the day that I had been granted the privilege of breathing, is planned to be there.

From my family and friends who had accompanied me since I was young, to even the most random of bystanders whom I just passed on the way to the nearest market.

I don’t know why they were placed there, but I know they were placed there because of a calling — an impulse in their brain that told them that they had to be there in a particular time and place.

The same goes for me — I’m placed in that particular time and place for a reason. I must have also had experienced that impulse — that random push that made me decide to go and exist on that particular time and place.

I’ve always had a paradoxical yet (in-my-humble-opinion) beautiful view on the universe; I feel like the cosmos, as random and unpredictable as it is, could not be so balanced — so self sustaining — without the predetermination of all life and matter.

What does this thought lead to? Lots of other random thoughts, but like most others, it leads me to a very simple question: “If the universe is predetermined yet remains so unpredictable, does that mean that we’re all set to play a role?”

Yeah. I guess. But maybe not everyone gets to play a lead role (a shining role), not even in their own lives.

Maybe some are meant to stay in the background, only to assist others, and function as a supporting character in this grand play we call life.

What do I mean by being a supporting character?

It’s simple. It means you’re here, you’re living your life as best as you can do so. But maybe there comes a time and place where you’d realise that maybe you’re not meant to be that special “Monkey D. Luffy” figure in life.

You’re just an existing human beings with a special set of skills. You’re given enough cards for you to survive, to make something of yourself.

But you’re not a prodigy — you’re nowhere near gifted enough to be called one. You’re not special… (i’ve repeated these words enough on my pieces, you get the point).

But one takeaway that I’d like to mention here is that: I’ve lived my entire life following this mantra.

I’m okay with being an ordinary human being that had to pour my heart out in order to be decent at things. I’m honestly okay with having to fail and suck at most things in life just to be adequate at them.

The same goes with interpersonal relationships too, really. I’m honestly okay with being just the guy that just exists in most circles — not the ones that would be searched for if I weren’t there, not the ones that most would put most effort in.

I’m more happy to just be included, I’m more than happy in having people that I could call friends.

That’s why I have (and probably will) never set any kind of bar or expectations for things;

I’ve stopped thinking and wondering about how a birthday surprise party felt like years ago, I don’t need a bunch of stories to congratulate me and stuff, I wouldn’t ask you to do things like spend money and send things like food or presents to me.

I’ve stopped expecting for any sort of plus efforts from anyone — because I just feel like it’s selfish, that expecting to be treated special is extremely burdening to others in our current age where everyone is relatively (for a lack of better term) suffering.

And I think it’s much more beautiful if they really did the extra mile — it means they do care and want to put that extra effort. Even if it’s always been the thought that meant the most for me.

I think this also extends to even the smallest levels of interaction, even to things like social media — I’ve so rarely posted things like stories to congratulate and celebrate things anymore; if any of my friends are reading this (I really hope not, this piece is honestly so jumbled up it’s bad), it’s nothing personal. I just got…desensitised? I’ve rarely even paid attention to things like stories for the past few weeks, I just tap and tap until it’s all finished.

But do know that even if I do miss out on a few things in your life, know that I wish all the best for you.

That thought of being a supporting character also applies to things like romantic relationships — I really don’t expect to be having one either, not for now, not for the foreseeable future, I’m honestly okay with how I’m feeling now.

I’m probably too much of a freak to be having one anyway.

But making poems, being a sadboi, and nge-jamet is just really fun.

I don’t think I’d stop doing those things soon.

That leads me to: the thought of the future.

I’m honestly okay with not being an extremely rich CEO that travels all around the world.

I’m fine with not being a world-renowned diplomat that occupies a role in the Ministry and whatnot. I’ve never been the type of person who chases for high-level positions anyway.

Here’s a personal thought that comes from me and my idealism:

I personally think that no one should ever chase or aspire for positions (jabatan), positions (especially high level ones, such as being a minister, or even a head of a small organisation) isn’t a privilege or something that you should be prideful of, positions are a burden.

And everyone in their right mind should be wanting to avoid these huge burdens — an entire group of people are depending everything on you. The pressure is huge, and you should only be applying to be one if you’d honestly think you can contribute back and help.

So what would I do?

I’ve always loved writing, so I guess I’ll write. I know I’m not all that good, I’ve been repeating the same particular themes in my pieces over and over again. But at least it makes me happy.

I’ve been thinking of getting into Academia, maybe I’d start researching and writing articles. I’ve grown up studying, and I’m still extremely happy doing so.

Maybe I’d like to be a lecturer too, it’d be fun to assume a mentorship role to a bunch of people— I’ve always liked seeing and helping other people grow. I really enjoyed seeing the people I surround myself with get better and are living their best lives.

I’ve never been happier seeing the people I’ve been growing with getting internships, huge National-Level programs, and getting into those circles that would help them get into their goal in the future.

While it is not my cup of tea, I’m happy in seeing them sipping theirs.

And honestly — if this is my predetermined role, I’m more than happy to be a supporting character.